I haven’t known what to write lately, and hence, if you’ve noticed, haven’t written in a while. I could of course go on and on about Luciana-every day she does something that blows my mind, even if often by the end of the day when I go to write in her journal I can’t remember what it is. We shot a commercial together last weekend! And it could not have been better for her for two reasons. 1) We’ve been going through a spell (if after 6 weeks you can call it a spell, which I am starting to doubt) of her waking up at 5am. We had to leave at 5:15 that morning to get to location, so that was perfect. She’s such a method actress. We’re shifting her to a later bedtime, and I pray we start lasting til 6 again soon. 2) we shot at an AIRPORT. On the TARMAC. Do you know my daughter’s obsession with airplanes? Now you do. So this was, as you can imagine, a banner day. And she’s babbling and all over the place and simply the most beautiful soul I could be blessed enough to spend so much time with.
I am, however, feeling like anything but a supermom, and that’s the subject of today! I am here to confess that I have no idea how other mamas do it, how they seem to do it all. Blogger mommies, I have no idea how you post regularly. Working mommies, I have no idea how you get out of the house every day and look ready for the world. Chef mommies, I have no idea how you make amazing meals for your family every day. Because I don’t do any of these things. It feels like an either or or or most of the time: I’m either going to exercise or make a fabulous dinner. I’m either going to get out of the house on time or I’m going to look semi-put-together. I’m either going to post or run the 5 errands I’ve been meaning to do for a month. I’m either going to meditate or take some action on my career. Let alone stay current on blogs or ever go to Pinterest.
I know no one actually does it all. I know Instagram and Facebook and Twitter and Pinterest are tricky in that they make everyone else’s lives look perfect (See this wonderful post on that by a writer/blogger I am so loving). And I know they aren’t. It can be hard–for me, anyway–not to compare a bit and feel like everyone else has it all figured out.
And here’s where I am with it today: I told myself when Luciana turned one I’d get back to a yoga class once a week. I’m a teacher, for crying out loud. Hasn’t happened. I have been wanting to create “office hours” for myself where I put time every week into my career. Hasn’t happened. This is not to say it can’t happen, and I won’t make excuses for it; it simply hasn’t been my choice. What I’m learning about myself as a mama is that at least right now there is no Plan. There is no “this is how it’s going to be each week”. There’s just what I can do for today. My heart wants different things on different days; I’m so tired on certain days there’s no way anything creative is coming out of me on the page or on the plate; and there are days when I have a wonderful schedule worked out and then life throws a curve ball, and that’s that. I don’t get done tomorrow what I didn’t get done today. I maybe get it done sometime in the future and I have no idea when.
I’m guessing this is a time for more surrender. That there is a certain kind of grace, a certain kind of yoga, in knowing that this is my life right now and it’s beautiful and a big mess a lot of days. I’ll hang the new prints I have for her room…..sometime. Probably this year. I’ll look for a new theatrical agent…..sometime. Hopefully this year. She’s a 14-month old right now and I won’t get that Right Now back. My superhero cape might need to hang on the wall a while longer because at the moment my fingernails are uneven and my triceps could use some toning. The garage is a disaster and I’ve had Goodwill bags ready to donate for 2 months. I have made one new recipe in 3 weeks (it was this one and it was insane) and my family hasn’t gotten a batch of photos in…..? In theory I am trying to get back into TV work and….it’s a theory at this point. But I laugh every day with my baby. My husband and I have a date once a week. I’m working. With my baby! And in my heart I know all these facets of myself that I can’t seem to get a clear line to are still here, they’ll just catch the light at another time. Or so I’m going to believe.