Hello! I’m back from all summer travels. This week is such a contrast to the slow, easy weeks in Bend (pics of that trip up on Insta). So many camps, appointments, catch-up emails, and getting ready for Luciana’s 12th birthday<3. Before I get going, I feel like I want to confess to something. I don’t think anyone reads this blog! I didn’t blog for so long that if I had followed my blog I would have given up. So I’m pretty sure I’m writing for an audience of 1: me. Which is kind of wonderful because it’s a place to practice writing with very very low pressure. Actually no pressure. And I want to write a lot more. I have a lot of ideas, and also feel like I am so out of practice. So this is perfect. What I’m going to write about today is a trial run for something I want to put on social media—a radical perspective shift I had on my birthday, which just passed. I want to try to get these thoughts down in the words that feel right to me.
For years I wanted to be younger than I was. By 30 I was stressing that I was Too Old, really because I didn’t have the glossy acting career I wanted and I bought into the oft-proved story that you had to have a lot of fancy credits by 30 or you weren’t going to get them. I wanted that career so badly. And part of that wanting, and fear of not having it, and being miserable if I didn’t have it, was a lot of concern about my age. How young could I fool people into thinking I was? If people knew my age, would they judge me for not having done more, etc etc. I’m sure you get it; fill in the blanks. And of course now I’m not Old. I’m in my 40s. But it’s the mindset I’m aware of—how young it kicked in and how it loves to come back and try to take me down, and how when it succeeds, I am robbed of joy. I am always on a crusade to heal the things that rob me of joy and of presence.
Fast forward a decade, when I had multiple children and was no longer trying to be a movie star. I worked as an actress—I’ve always worked as an actress—but it wasn’t my primary motivator anymore. However, I found myself still getting worked up sometimes about the age thing. Somewhere I felt like I should have done it all. Had the 4 kids and the supercareer. I felt like if I wanted to work more now it might be too late.
The other piece of this is I’ve never done anything to my face or body to cosmetically alter it. No botox, fillers, surgeries, any of it. Haven’t even had a laser peel. I use only chemical-free products on myself, and I don’t hide under a hat all summer. I love the sun. I wear sunscreen; I wear hats sometimes; I live my life. That said, my body and face are changing. More years, 4 kids, life being life and surprise! I don’t look 30. I don’t even think I look 35. Sometimes that’s SO HARD! To see skin with a different texture, and more lines on my face, to have muscles look different even though they’re as strong as they were 15 years ago. I do sometimes feel less-than when I see glowy 32-year-olds. But…..
Here we are at this birthday and this is when the magic happened. We had gotten home from Bend 36 hours before. Re-entry was proving tough for me—overwhelmed, exhausted from the drive, irritable at everything and everyone in my house. But I woke up on my birthday having reset. Had a beautiful morning with Sky and the kids, and early afternoon headed out for a walk and a bit of solo time, which I always like lots of on my birthday.
There was the ocean, there was the breeze, the birds, and other folks out walking. And it hit me so powerfully: I’d had another year. Holy f**k I’d had another year on this earth. How phenomenally lucky I am. What an absolute gift to have another 365 days of life and to be feeling good as I start the next year. It was full-body and soul appreciation. I know how to think I’m lucky; this was the complete experience. From that came another knowing: for me, at this point in my life, it feels like such a loving, honoring thing to witness my body age as it does. I’ve wondered if I “should” do things like Botox before. I have ZERO judgment for those that do. So many of my friends do! And they look great! For me, though, at this moment, it feels like magic to care for my body and let it be. To witness it as it changes, because that witnessing is part of the appreciation. The astonishment. The claiming of myself now, not the half-wishing I was me at another time.
This last natal year was one of the most transformative for me in my life. So painful at times. Devastatingly so. And more light, more Spirit, more conscious connection to my Source than I’ve ever felt for a sustained period of time. I want to acknowledge the work I’ve done and if my face has a new line or ten to show for it, then there’s love in that too.
This has gone on longer than I thought—I definitely will condense it for the Insta-post, but there it is. Wild awe and appreciation for another year. Immeasurable love for the body that continues to carry me and work so many miracles (2 of which need to be put to bed now). Excitement to witness change in myself. Peace being me right now.
See you next week.